apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
