Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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