I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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