Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
