On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
