Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
