billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
