This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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