It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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