I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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