I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
