I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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