I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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