don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
