Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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