two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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