It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
