The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
