Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
