You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
