I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
