My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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