I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize