You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
