my being single is dangerous.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He felt like a one man threesome
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize