I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
