So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
