your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
