i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
