Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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