Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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