Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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