I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
