So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
