I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
