The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize