Is it because I queefed?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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