Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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