I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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