My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
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