Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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