hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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