Do you still have your period?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
