We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
