The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
