you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
