I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
