he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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