she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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