just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
false alarm. still invincible.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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