The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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