Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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