Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
