If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sober January is a disaster.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
