I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
