ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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