sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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